Negative, Negative

Well AF visited today and this round of IVF is officially over!

I really needed something positive in my life but that doesn't seem to be happening. We can't afford to try again for at least a year since I needed so many drugs to stimulate.

I have no idea where I am going from here!

Now I Wait

The embryo transfer yesterday was as perfect as it could have been. 4 out of the 5 eggs fertilized and the 2 they put back in were pretty much perfect! We are waiting to see if the remaining 2 embryos will make it to freeze. I have a good feeling and will have to wait until the 31st to see if my intuition is correct. I have been on bed rest since the transfer yesterday and my sweet Hubby is taking care of me. I'm trying not to be too bossy! Two weeks of waiting seems like forever but I will endeavor to keep myself from dwelling on it.

5 Eggs

Well the retrieval went well this morning. I was asleep the whole time and am in very little pain now. The total of eggs retrieved was 5, which is less than we thought. The doctor assured me that it was "quality not quantity" that mattered but again we'll have to wait and see. We won't know how many fertilized until Tuesday when I go back for the transfer.

Caleb's Quilt

We donated most of Caleb's clothes to the Courage Center here in the twin cities. I saved pieces that were special to me and had a quilt made out of them. I haven't seen the quilt in person yet but here is the picture the artist sent me of the finished product.

Saturday's The Day

I was told to show up for Retrieval this Saturday morning and that the procedure will take place at 10:15AM. Once again it pleases me that the doctor works on the weekend! I'm happy b/c I have one last shot and then I am done with Stimulation (I still have to take the Lovenox to prevent blood clots but at this point that's nothing)! Of course the last shot is a HUGE needle and it has to be taken Intramuscularly. The final follicle count was 10 but that doesn't mean that's how many eggs there are. I have my fingers crossed for a good egg count and great fertilization!

Almost There

I dragged my but out of bed this morning at 6:30 for a 7:30 appointment 40 minutes away. I had set my alarm for much earlier but couldn't seem to wake up (probably b/c these drugs are exhausting). It is hard to believe that just a few months ago I was completely used to never getting sleep.

The physician actually performed the scan this morning which is rare. She found 10 measurable follicles today and said things are looking good. I have yet another appointment at 7:15 tomorrow to do the "routine" scan and blood work. It still looks like Friday for retrieval but I won't know for sure until the very last minute.

I found and acupuncturist who is going to come to the doctor's office for pre/post transfer treatment. I have never had acupuncture performed on my person before. We figured we might as well do everything we can to achieve a positive outcome.

6 Measurable and Counting

The count of follicles today is 6 Measurable and 13 smaller follicles with a Endo of 6.7. I am on 8 vials of Bravelle or 600IU (at about $73.00 a vial that is $584.00 a day). At my ultrasound today I was told things are looking good and we will probably schedule the retrieval for Friday. I am trying my best to relax. I am doing yoga every morning and I plan on scheduling another massage for Thursday afternoon.

Slow Growing

Well, per my request the doctor was kind enough to see me yesterday after my ultrasound and blood work. She answered all my questions and I left the doctor's office feeling reassured. There were 5 larger (but still too small) follicles and a bunch of smaller ones yesterday. Again the doc increased my dosage of Bravelle and now has me on the maximum dose plus a little more. I was worried that they were going to cancel my cycle but the doctor said not to worry sometimes it takes the follicles longer to grow and that she has seen some women take 22 days of stim meds to get where they want them to be! I really hope it doesn't take THAT long because these drugs are not at all pleasant!

Time to Count

The counting began today and there are 18 follicles so far. Of course most of them are still very small. I am praying that they will grow. The doctor increased my Bravelle AGAIN to speed up the growth. I have another ultrasound and blood work appointment scheduled for Saturday @8:45am. I am glad they have one of their offices open on the weekend so I don't have to wait until Monday. From this point on I'll be having ultrasounds and blood work every other day. I am cautiously optimistic at this point! Grow babies, GROW is my new mantra!

No Wonder I Feel Crazy

This morning AF decided to visit. This totally took me off guard, I was told it might or might not happen. The doctor took me off the Provera last week and I thought if it was going to happen it would have happened sooner. So I called the doctor's office and asked to speak with the nurse. Of course I had to wait and wait for the return call. Finally I spoke with someone and was told this can happen but it is "normal" even if AF did come a little later than expected. I was told to continue to take the stimulation meds and as my "estrogen levels rise the bleeding should stop". I have to say there is nothing "NORMAL" about this process. I think it is counter intuitive to put an individual on birth control when you are trying to get her pregnant and then give her stim meds when she is bleeding! Of course I am a sceptic but I am following the doctor's orders anyway. I feel like I am walking in the dark, I have no idea where I am going! I will listen to the doctor and be a good girl for this first cycle. However if it doesn't work I think I am going to refuse to take the Provera next time and try a "natural" cycle.

I am not only feeling the effects of the hormones but I am also dealing with the menstrual effects as well which makes me one crazy Bitch!

This post feels disjointed just like my life, so I apologize if it doesn't make any sense!

Church Tears

On Sunday we decided to visit the Cathedral in St. Paul instead of attending our church. It was beautiful of course and very BIG as Cathedrals are supposed to be. We arrived 30 minutes early for mass so that we could visit the shrines of the saints and take a small self guided tour around the church (it IS a landmark). I lit a candle for my son Caleb who is in Heaven now and it was comforting. Since Caleb died, our church has become an even more important part of my life. I feel closer to God during mass and therefore closer to my baby since he is with God.

We sat down in our pew a few minutes before mass was about to start. As we watched the large Catholic families stream in I felt that ache any woman who has lost a child or is struggling with infertility (in my case both apply) is all too familiar with. I miss my son and want another child SO bad that some days it is all consuming.

During Mass I heard a little boy yell and I swear he sounded just like my Caleb. I almost walked out of the mass it hurt so much but I didn't. Instead I swallowed my tears and decided to see this as a simple sign from God not to give up and that Caleb is OK in His arms.

More Bravelle

Last night I got the results of my Day 3 labs and my E2 was low so the doctor increased me to 3 vials of Bravelle today and then another increase to 4 vials of Bravelle tomorrow. Of course I didn't really know what all of that meant and had a small panic attack. I didn't get to actually speak to a human being, instead I received this news via Medvoice. I couldn't ask any questions when receiving the news and I was really frustrated. I think the doctor's office should have the courtesy to call their patients instead of leaving a fucking message and instructing the patient to call their Medvoice "inbox" at a certain time. Maybe, just Maybe IVF wouldn't be so damn stressful if the doctor's office acted like they gave a damn and held your hand a little more. Hey, I'm shelling out the big bucks and I expect a little more customer support from the fricken Doctor's office! But doctor's just see you as their cash cow and a statistic so why should they care!

These meds are wreaking havoc on my emotions and I cry over little things. I look and feel like a marshmallow from the bloating. I keep telling myself "it is worth it, it WILL be worth it" and that helps a little. I scheduled a massage for Thursday after my ultrasound so if it's bad news I have a treat and if it's good news it's just a way to relax for the retrieval next week.

Human Pincushion

It's official I am a human pincushion. I have little red dots all over my stomach (this is not very appealing during swimsuit season)! Everything seems to be going by really fast and yet too slow. I am looking forward to the next ultrasound on Wednesday to see if all of these shots are actually working!

1st Stim Shot Complete

It sounded scary at first and the box full of drugs was intimidating to sort out; but I have survived the first stim shot! It was frustrating to try and get all of those little air bubbles out of the syringe. I was afraid I wasn't going to get all of the medication out of the vials. But in the end I succeeded in getting the job done. I am just one shot closer to being a mama again!